Emo.

I think sometimes I underestimate my own abilities and achievements, but at the same time I think sometimes people overestimate my achievements. I don't know what it is, whether or not I'm giving out the wrong sort of information, but sometimes I feel let down and most times I feel like I've let people down.

I've heard this over and over: "Don't be disheartened, it's not your fault, just keep trying" from my parents. It's easier said then done. Much easier.
They have more confidence in me than I do in myself. I'm constantly overwhelmed with self doubt that I'm already defeated before I've started.
They think I did really well in Uni, that I've become this First Class Student they're so proud of. Maybe I lead them to believe that I was. But at the moment it's the last thing I feel I am.
I was blind, and I lead them to think that my results were so excellent it's unusual for other people to score well. It's not true. There are so many others who achieved a First Class. It's really nothing special. Perhaps I wanted it to be special. But the harsh reality is that it's not.
I'm no smarter than any other, I'm no wiser than any other. I'm just an ordinary, average girl, who somehow fooled herself into thinking she's more than ordinary. She somehow fooled her parents too, and maybe the people around her.

I appreciate the help I get when others forward me emails or links on job adverts to me. I even have my mum staying up late to help me look for a job. It's really good to know that you're all watching out for me too. I couldn't be more blessed with friends and family.
It's just that, the more I received these advice and the more I receive help, the less confident I feel and the more I loathe myself. It's as if I can't do it on my own and require assistance. Like I'm not grown up enough to handle it on my own. I don't like it, I thought I was better than this. I thought I could take care of things by myself. Perhaps I once again overestimate my own abilities. Maybe I can't do it alone all along.

One minute my dad is telling me to go home, the next minute he says go to singapore, then the next he says apply for another course- a Masters maybe. Don't apply for a MBA just apply for a Masters in Biotech. An MBA requires 2 years work experience which you don't have.
What am I to say? I don't want to do anything Bio-related anymore. I don't want to study anything bio-related anymore! I'm trying to break out of this stream!

Mum asks, what do u actually want to do?
I say I honestly don't know. All I know is science. I've studied nothing but science my entire life. All I know is that I don't want a long term career in research. I want something else, but I don't know what I want yet. How am I supposed to know what I want for sure if I can't expose myself to something other than science? There is something non-science that I'll like to do for sure but if I never get a chance to break out of this science bubble I'm stuck in, how will I ever find out what it is that I want to do? Why can't I get the chance to do an MBA? why must I do another Masters in Biotech? I don't want to do it. I just don't. Sometimes it's so hard to be the good daughter and go against your parents. I feel like I've let them down. I know I've let myself down.

I have a massive headache. I think I'm too f***ed up to handle all this shit now.